we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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