new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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