This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
