you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
