he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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