mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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