We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
