Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
