Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
