WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
