I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
