I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
