I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
