I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
