I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
