sarcasm needs its own font
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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