I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
