my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
