sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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