sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
