Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
