My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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