So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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