Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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