The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
