I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
