stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
