I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
