I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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