i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
