I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
