and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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