She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
