He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
