I wish my penis had an off switch
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Someone came in the potted fern
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
