Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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