I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize