We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
