I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
