Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Randomize
