I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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