apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
