I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
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Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
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I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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