2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
please don't ironically join a cult
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