Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
