the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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