this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
