First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
it hurts more in the daytime
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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