Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
