Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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