Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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