I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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