we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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