He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
