Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
