Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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